Monday, September 2, 2024

I am NOT a "nice guy", but I've been told by many that I am the kindest person they know.

I am NOT a "nice guy", but I have been told my many that I am the kindest person they know. I have given up many friends because I'll say the words that may hurt, but save them from often outright injury. I lost a friend in the SCA because he would NOT wear the proper protective gear that then exposed the nerves under his armpit to potentially permanent injury during fencing. And he also was very bad about protecting that area.

Every practice I'd hit him once there, he'd yowl, I'd say he needs to fix his fencing  jacket, he'd complain it was enough. I'd carefully avoid hitting him there the rest of the day. Which was me enabling his bad behavior.

Then one day I just played it dumb. I kept hitting him there, very lightly but hard enough to sting. He complained nonstop.

He stopped talking to me for 2 years.

After 2 years, he sought me out to say that after that, he'd finally extended his fencing jacket to cover his armpits right after that, and then just 2 days ago another fencer really rammed the blade into that armpit, and he was sore for days and wanted to say he forgave me for "accidentally" causing him to fix his problem because he felt that he'd just avoided permanent injury.

So I told him, I did it on purpose to save him from injury. He suddenly became enraged and took back his apology and said we're back to not being friends. I said if that's how he feels, that's fine, I'd do it again to save a friend or anyone else from injury.

That's my life. My wife Robyn often runs into the same types of situations.

Saturday, July 20, 2024

How can I know that I don't have Asperger's syndrome?

 How can I know that I don't have Asperger's syndrome?

“I was diagnosed as a child, yet friends and family refuse to believe that I am not just being an asshole. From my perspective, I am very giving, sociable, friendly and considerate. Yet I am often excluded, accused of being arrogant, selfish and rude. How do I know that I’m not just an asshole?”

I feel your pain. I’ve known a lot of people who’ve acted like I’m rude and inconsiderate. I’ve had people stop talking to me because I didn’t ask them “How are you?” when we ran into each other. I’ve had former friends decide that not only did they not like me (but won’t tell me why), they also convince everyone else in the circle of friends to break off all contact and not invite me for any future gatherings.

Yet I’ve had some of my closest friends (I have few) tell me that I’m the kindest person they know. My wife said that when we first met, I seemed -too- nice. She thought I must be acting a role. Then when she figured out that I’m just being myself, she didn’t know what to do with me. She’s had some bad relationships with manipulative bastards.

I am sometimes rude and inconsiderate. I don’t mean to be. The NTs of the world seem to me to have loads of unwritten rules and rituals that must be followed or like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, they’ll ruthlessly point you out as different and therefore an enemy.

It has taken me a long time to realize that I don’t wish to be friends with those kinds of people.

I am NOT saying that you should not work on yourself. I have spent a lifetime unguided (no idea what autism really was) trying to figure out how to respond to people.

I try to keep in mind several things:

No one likes being corrected, especially in front of others. When I feel I must correct someone, I try to be kind about it. Never say that something is stupid, because what they will hear is that you are saying that -they- are stupid.

Everyone knows something you don’t. No matter how smart you are, you can’t know everything. So other people will know things that you don’t.

You can be wrong, too. So better not to be absolute in your statements. Leave some wiggle room in case you are wrong, or even just somewhat incorrect. Also, people tend to dig in and not listen if you make absolute pronouncements of fact.

Humor is useful, but be careful not to make fun of others.

As an autistic person, how are your reflexes?

 As an autistic person, how are your reflexes?

Odd. I’m rather clumsy by nature. When I was a kid, I’d regularly fail the “think fast” thing where someone throws something at your head and says that mid-flight.

I was in the habit of running up stairs two steps at a time. Numerous times, I missed a step and, by rights, should have smashed my shins and elbows and taken a tumble. Yet each time, I’d adroitly catch myself on my toes and fingertips.

In my 20s, I had a big glass coffee mug on my desk at school. I kept knocking it off. To my great surprise, I caught it each time in mid-air by the handle.

I have assessed each tool I use, and preprepared myself for dropping it. Drop most hand tools and small parts, let them fall and pay attention to where they land. Drop something fragile/expensive, I’ll catch it. Sharp, jump back. Large and heavy, bring my foot up under it, then lower quickly to match speed to slow it down so it doesn’t slam into the floor. I’ve never caught a knife or let a 3 pound hammer hit the floor or injure me.

I took up fencing at 18. I decided to use my clumsiness to cover my intentions. What surprised me, and the people I was fencing, was that I could wait for the other person to begin moving and still complete an attack before their attack landed. In one case, I launched a fleche (running attack) on someone who didn’t even get his foil up horizontal by the time my foil tip touched him. I’d launched the attack the moment he habitually pressed his foil tip against the floor, thinking he was far enough away to be safe.

It wasn’t just that I was fast - it was that he was carrying out an action at what he thought was a safe distance. Pressing his tip into the floor and sort of flicking it multiple times. He had to realize what was happening, that he was in danger, cancel his current habitual action, formulate a response, and carry it out. He looked very surprised. What made it even sweeter, was that he’d just been trash-talking me.

In unfamiliar circumstances, my reactions are slow because I have to think about what I am doing and how to react. So I have spent a lot of time on mental preparation and practiced in the use of everyday objects as defensive and offensive weapons, and practiced how to hit hard without breaking my own bones. This has saved me more than once. I have been told that I can move very quickly.

Realizing this ended direct bullying of me in high school.

What are the most common reasons why Aspies unknowingly make people uncomfortable?

What are the most common reasons why Aspies unknowingly make people uncomfortable?

I don't think aspies -make- people uncomfortable, in the sense that we don't intentionally do so.

I find most NTs to be very inflexible and intolerant when it comes to social interactions. For example, say a "typical" NT is talking to me about something in which I have zero interest. If I show even the slightest sign of disinterest in spite of me trying very hard to appear interested, that person may get upset and not talk to me any more.

Yet if I am talking of something they find not interesting, I've had people just turn away from me in mid-sentence and start talking to someone else. No effort to even pretend. "Oh, hang on, I see someone I need to talk to." "I'm not really a physics person. Did you watch the game?" "I'm not really into that." I am fine with any of those reactions, and appreciate when people tell me those things. I'd even prefer "Boring!" over someone wordlessly walking away or turning to someone else and starting another conversation.

I have also found that many NTs seem to think that "no" or "I don't know" is an unacceptable answer, and don't want to say it. Many times I've asked a direct, simple question and had people act as if I were being demanding and were pushing for a specific answer. I just want -some- answer. I'm fine with yes, no, maybe, and I don't know. Changing the subject is not an answer.

Is it unfair that the military bans all people with Asperger's syndrome?

Is it unfair that the military bans all people with Asperger's syndrome?

About a year ago, I used to embrace my Asperger's until I read the evil DOD 6130.03 Instruction which stated that ANYBODY on the Autistic spectrum is permanently disqualified from serving in the Armed Forces.

For 8 months, I've suffered self-pity because for me, nothing good comes out of a life with Autism. I have an average IQ, no close friends, no military dream to fulfill, etc.

Saddening that I have to embrace something that crushed my goals and takes away my social skills so I can't have fun.

I do not agree that nothing good comes out of autism.

I just got done reading John Elder Robison's "Look Me In The Eye". A very good book by someone who didn't know that he was an Aspie until quite late in life. I highly recommend it. He trained himself, doing some astounding work in electronics over a wide range of disciplines, later training himself in car repair and specializing in high end cars that most mechanics are terrified to touch.

Website of Author, Advocate, Aspergian, John Elder Robison.

Dr. Temple Grandin is another person with Autism who has made a lot of her life. Although her mother had a diagnosis for her early in life, the official treatments were crap. It was all down to her mother's patience. She is also a published author with several books out on dealing with your Autism and Asperger's.

Welcome to Temple Grandin's Official Autism Website

Her TED Talks should be required viewing.
Temple Grandin | Speaker | TED.com

I love these quotes by her:
Temple Grandin Quotes (Author of Thinking in Pictures)

My favorite:
“What would happen if the autism gene was eliminated from the gene pool?

You would have a bunch of people standing around in a cave, chatting and socializing and not getting anything done.”
― 
Temple GrandinThe Way I See It: A Personal Look at Autism & Asperger's

Although maybe this is my favorite:
“I am different, not less.”
― 
Temple Grandin

I've been saying a version of this for many years, without knowing about autism or Asperger's:
“In an ideal world the scientist should find a method to prevent the most severe forms of autism but allow the milder forms to survive. After all, the really social people did not invent the first stone spear. It was probably invented by an Aspie who chipped away at rocks while the other people socialized around the campfire. Without autism traits we might still be living in caves.”
― 
Temple GrandinThinking in Pictures, Expanded Edition: My Life with Autism

Autism Spectrum Disorder or ASD is a huge collection of traits. People have a mixed bag of them. As someone once said, once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. We're all different.

OK, so that was the preamble…


I was in the US Navy. It was -not- a good fit for me. One of the traits I have is that if someone says something incorrect, I correct them. It doesn't matter who it is that said it. In the military, that is very bad unmilitary behavior, except in those rare circumstances when you get lucky and are under someone who appreciates the truth and isn't insecure. Then it can be wonderful.

I've got it a -little- more under control now. Well, maybe not... occasionally someone makes a remark about me being a bit pedantic. I think I could have been better disciplined about it if I’d had some guidance as a child, no diagnosis required.

Screw it. Use your Asperger's, as John Elder Robison says. You may have amazing focus. Many Aspies are tenacious learners. I taught myself electronics, I decided when I was 9 that I had to decide if I was going into a science field or a technology field. I chose technology, and threw myself into learning electricity and electronics.

I remember looking at a magazine article of a Tesla coil project, and thinking, "I'll bet in a year I'll look at this and understand it."

A year later, I remembered that thought and looked at it. I recall thinking "Oh, it is just an Armstrong oscillator with a tuned primary and self-tuned secondary, with two tubes in parallel. These other parts over here are the power supply."

So just do it! Find what interests you, turn your focus on it, and learn it. Use your diagnosis of Asperger's when you apply for jobs, it can be a plus! Aspies tend to be very focused on results, follow rules meticulously, and are very loyal. If a potential employer doesn't see it that way, you didn't want to work for them, anyway.

Is there an autistic stare or gaze?

 Is there an autistic stare or gaze?

For me, eye contact is a very intense experience. So I tend to avoid it. However, when I do make eye contact, it can be very hard to break.

I’ve had people say they thought I was going to punch them. In fact, what I was doing was sizing them and the situation up. Small talk and social interactions do not come intuitively to me. While my mind is racing trying to figure out a socially acceptable response, my gaze becomes fixed on their eyes. I also tend to open my eyes wide except when under very bright light.

I used to think I could not read people. I now think that perhaps I can read people too well. You see, most people only intend to show the world their public face. In most situations, that is meant to be polite and mildly friendly.

However, often we have a lot of things on our minds. Paying the bills, dealing with problems with our children, an argument with our spouse that remains unresolved, a recent death in the family. Most people are unable to completely conceal little signs. It is difficult to explain. The expression just before they smile and greet you. How quickly their friendly expression collapses when they don’t think you are looking at them. Subtle changes in their movements.

It is a bit like their feelings are printed on transparent paper, and the transparent coversheet is the one everyone else is intended to see. I can see the other pages, too. Not only that, but I can’t tell what I’m intended to see and what is meant to be concealed. And as would be the case with text, I am unable to determine the meaning.

So I don’t know if they are reacting to something I’ve done or said, or if it is personal stuff having nothing to do with me. At that point, my gaze is likely to become quite intense as I try to figure out if I’ve angered or offended them in some way.

I used to ask people if there was something wrong, or if they were OK. You know how in science fiction, everyone hates telepaths? I think it feels to them like they spotted a peeping tom at a time when they thought they were in private. Or like they caught you going through their medicine cabinet or underwear drawer.

Now I only ask people I know pretty well, and even then only after a lot of thought.

Back to the ASD/Aspie stare: I have learned to defocus when I look someone in the face. I had to figure that out for myself. Everyone says to stare at the bridge of the nose, point of the nose, forehead, etc. I’d see every pimple, pore, and hair and not hear a word they’d been saying. And I often had people rubbing their faces and asking if they had something on them.

TL;DR Yes, there is an autistic/Asperger’s stare. Not everyone on the spectrum has it, many learn to compensate and conceal it. Some do it and don’t realize it. But it definitely exists.

Why is there such a huge difference between the criteria for autism, with autistic people claiming the main symptoms are sensory overload and masking, and scientists claiming interaction abnormalities and ritualistic behavior to be main symptoms?

Why is there such a huge difference between the criteria for autism, with autistic people claiming the main symptoms are sensory overload and masking, and scientists claiming interaction abnormalities and ritualistic behavior to be main symptoms?

I have to laugh about the “ritualistic behavior” thing. Hah.

Interacting with many NTs on a casual basis feels like I’m in a spy movie from the ‘60s.

“Hello, how are you?
“I am fine, how are you?”
“Fine.”

“Good morning!”
“What’s good about it?”

“Did you see that ludicrous display last night?”
“What’s Wenger doing sending Walcott on that early?”
“The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in.”

“Nice weather we’ve having today.”
“Yes, but the weather in Switzerland is blowing.”
“OK, agent 99, here is the secret document on microfiche.”

It feels like a challenge-response between undercover individuals attempting to identify members of the in-group. I have had people I know make sports-related comments, usually something about a televised game the night before. When I respond that I don’t watch sports, they lose all interest in talking to me =at= =all=. Some of them, from that point on will act as if I were invisible.

It is VERY ritualistic. Think about handshakes. I’ve run into many NTs who have very definite ideas about what makes a good handshake. Hard, just firm, grasp the wrist with the left hand, gentle, crushing, extended shake and hold with very close eye contact, one quick hard shake and release, barely grasp and let go, etc. … Many will say that they base their opinion of a person on the first handshake.

But they don’t all agree on what makes a “correct” handshake. Get the ritual wrong, you are out forever. Some will use it as a power play; shove hands together, then suddenly drop their hand a couple of inches so they have your fingers, not your palm, and squeeze hard.

My inclination is that when I interact with someone, especially at work, I walk up and just ask the question I need to ask, or pass on the information I need to impart. People would often look offended or upset, and I would go over and over in my head what I might have said to upset them.

Sometimes people would angrily say “You could at least say hello!” What? We’re at work. It isn’t a social event. We’ve been at work for hours. We’re not friends, you aren’t interested in even talking to me except for work purposes. What is there to get angry about?

I’d call =that= an “interaction abnormality”.


If someone says “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of coffee”, everyone nods with understanding.

If someone says “I have to check every door to make sure it is locked before I go to bed”, most people will indicate they get it, but think it is a bit extreme.

If someone says “I always pause reading a book halfway down the right-hand page”, most people will think that is weird, ritualistic behavior. I do this. I have a very good reason for doing this - I am regularly in the process of reading a dozen or more books concurrently. I pause my reading halfway down the right-hand page and put a bookmark in. Then when I come back to any book, I take up reading again halfway down the left-hand page.

This reminds me where I am in the book, kind of like when a show comes back from commercial and they reiterate a bit of what happened before the commercial.

This is not ritualistic behavior. It is a well thought out behavior with a purpose.


As to masking: because of the seeming inability of many NTs to handle differences in behavior and preferences, to get along I must learn those greeting rituals, avoid being “outed” as not a ball game watcher, and somehow suss out exactly what kind of handshake this person I just met requires to accept me.

This is masking. It is exhausting. If you don’t think it is, think about some time when you were faced with a person speaking to you at great length about something you have no interest in, in a social situation you cannot avoid (perhaps an event at work). I’ll bet within 30 seconds, you were ready to chew your leg off to escape.

Now imagine doing that for 12 hours every day.

Add to that, many on the spectrum tend to have sharper senses; better hearing, more sensitive sense of taste and smell, more sensitive sense of touch, more vivid sense of vision. And often have difficulty, compared to NTs, in filtering out unwanted/uninteresting sounds, smells, and visual stimuli.

So now imagine that person boring you, is doing so at high volume in a subway station at rush hour. Do that for hours at a time, every day.

Got the picture?


Perhaps an illustration of why a person and someone diagnosing them may view different aspects as more or less important.

Your doctor cannot feel pain. When a Dr sticks you with a needle, the Dr does not feel any pain. You feel the pain. But people stick you with needles all of the time, so you have become rather stoic about it.

The Dr can, however, see a rash. The Dr will see the rash as more important than your pain, and so wants to give you a series of painful injections to help hide, but not cure, the rash.

Meanwhile, you know that the rash will still itch. It won’t be as visible, but only at the cost of an ongoing series of painful injections.

So naturally, to =you=, the rash is less important.


A British sitcom called “The IT Crowd” covered ritualistic behavior in NTs quite well in an episode about “proper men” and football. I took some of the above quotes from that episode.


Now where is that much vaunted, supposedly-superior ‘Theory of Mind” that NTs are always telling me they have? 

What was owning a Commodore Amiga like?

What was owning a Commodore Amiga like?

It was wonderful! The Amiga could multitask like no other consumer computer.

I had a digital photography business using an Amiga for photo compositing (like Photoshop), 3D rendering, special effects, and desktop publishing. My now rather old website is still online. Not up to today's standards, I know, but we did these compositions live while the customer waited, something you really could not do on a Windows computer in 1995:
Polymorph Digital Photography- Digital Portrait Photos and Composites

It had a 68060, which was a Motorola RISC processor, running at 50MHz with 128MB of RAM. We'd take it to science fiction conventions where we'd take pictures of people in their costumes and composite them into scenes and deliver the prints a bit later that day.

I ran a program called Directory Opus, or DOpus for short, as a Workbench replacement. It made the Amiga operating system, Workbench, even more of a joy to use.

I would typically have an image processing program called ImageFX running with between 6 and 20 layers, with the previous image printing on an inkjet (which at the time took 15 minutes to print an 8x10 photo), with a 3D modeling/rendering program called Real3D rendering things to composite into the image, and a Mac emulator running with the software for the tethered SCSI camera and the software to access Corel stock images CDs. All running at the same time.

The first convention we sold our services at was Norwescon, and 6 separate times over the weekend while chatting with different Microsoft programmers, they'd burst out with "Bill Gates ruined software" from watching all I was doing.

And while all this was going on, the printer did not stutter. My mouse did not freeze or stutter. Drawing selections and such in ImageFX was smooth, even with all that stuff going on at the same time....

When we had the equipment back home (home office, then shared space inside a sci fi collectibles store), I'd also have my web browser running with a dozen or so tabs open at the same time, often while running the Mac emulator and printing to a dye sub printer while making coffee cup prints, and running ImageFX, Real3D, and a desktop publishing program whose name escapes me.

And the mouse was so smooth... no hesitations. Typing was smooth. I could have Real3D rendering several high resolution images (2400x3000 pixels) while printing, -and- start other programs with no perceptible effect.

Nothing like Windows. I also owned a Windows 3.1 computer, and then a Windows 95 system so that I could run Pagemaker (desktop publishing). Even when using a Pentium 333MHz, Windows 95 stunk. I could not render in 3D and do anything else. If it was printing to the inkjet or rendering in 3D, I could -not- start another program without the whole thing becoming nonresponsive for several minutes, during which printing and/or rendering would stop and both the mouse and keyboard would stop responding.

In Windows 95, even if I started Pagemaker before beginning to print or render, typing or using the mouse would become a nightmare.

It wasn't until PCs started to get well over 1GHz clock speed before the interface started to feel as smooth as that 50MHz Amiga.

PCs are now really stinking fast, with more RAM than all the hard drives I had connected to my Amiga 3000. If only Commodore hadn't been gutted by Medhi Ali and Irving Gould, who knows what we'd have now?

Funny thing- it is not the hardware. I still have an old Pentium 200MMX with Windows 95 on it. It even has the same graphic chip on the video card that my Amiga had. But it stinks on ice. Slow, jerky... but I also have an Amiga emulator, Amiga Forever, running on it. Windows 95 stinks at multitasking, but it sees Amiga Forever as a single task. So within the Amiga emulator, it runs like the fastest Amiga ever!

I upgrade my Amiga Forever version every few years, and I still have the hard drive image from my now-defunct Amiga 3000. Once in a while I start it up and play around in it, and remember...

Amiga Emulation, Games, History and Support Since 1997

We even had a 3 page article done about my business in Amiga Format in 1998:

What is the most clever life hack you've learned?

What is the most clever life hack you've learned?


Walking.

Stop dodging people in crowded areas. I used to have to duck and dodge people in crowds. I hated walking through malls and airports because people would just change course right for me and I’d have to dodge. Groups spread out to occupy the entire width, then keep walking right at me.

So I don’t look at them. I look distracted. I am looking in store windows or off into the distance. I am also striding forward as if I will continue in a straight line till doomsday. So it looks like I’ll run right into them. I am, in fact, still paying attention.

So now people dodge out of MY way.

After watching my sister in law dodging left and right at the airport, I told her about it. The next time we visited, she gave me a big hug and said “It works!”

I don’t like people stopping me to ask for money outside of stores, or getting stopped by survey takers in malls. So I walk with purpose when I pass them. I look like I’m going somewhere and no one is getting in my way. So they no longer ask me anything.

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Autistic people read other people’s facial expression incorrectly, do they also make wrong facial expressions?

 Autistic people read other people’s facial expression incorrectly, do they also make wrong facial expressions?

I seem to not be able to have a poker face. People seem to know what I’m thinking.

I had a friend who is almost certainly ASD come to my house for a BBQ, a gathering of a lot of people. My wife asked later if he didn’t have a good time, as he never smiled.

I said, yes, I think he had a great time.

When I ran into him later in the week, he took the time to tell me that he had a great time. I had read him correctly. Not every positive emotion results in a truthful smile. NTs, on the other hand, are habitual smilers. People who are ASD tend by nature to only smile when the emotion causes a smile.

So I’m going to have to say, no, I don’t think Auties/Aspies make incorrect facial expressions. You are probably just used to NT people faking facial expressions.


As far as ASD not being able to read facial expressions, NTs lie constantly. They smile when they don't mean it, they say they are fine when they are not. Do you think you could correctly identify a green crayon if people randomly called it a different color while you were learning colors?

I believe in overwhelming force when attacked or credibly threatened.

 I believe in overwhelming force when attacked or credibly threatened.

The ideal is that no fight happens. Twice in the Navy, I punched a locker when someone was verbally bullying me, clearly probing for weakness. I said something dismissive, and punched a locker. I am very fast, I did not get in a stance or wind up. I left dents from my knuckles. It was very loud, and everyone nearby jumped a little.

In both cases, that ended it.

A group of friends started doing the fist bump instead of handshake. I think it became a thing for us, because one of the things we all had in common was the practice of martial arts. One was obviously insecure, judging from his constant bragging and showing off. He decided to start hitting fists hard, then saying “Sorry, I don’t know my own strength.”

So… I “popped” my fist into his. A very short, fast arc. It looks very relaxed, you’d never guess I was hitting hard. It only really works if the other person is trying to punch. And the range of power is maybe an inch deep, if that. But I heard his joints crack.

He hollered and got mad, and I mildly said exactly what he always said: “Sorry, I don’t know my own strength.” It took three times for him to get the message and stop punching my fist. However, he kept doing this to everyone else.

The best part was when I showed everyone else but him how to do this. He stopped fist bumping with the rest of us.